I Suck at Being a Mom.

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You know how in the movies, after the woman gives birth, and everyone is smiley and happy and joyous all the time? Yeah? I get it. Ideally, that’s how it should be. Everyone is happy. Everyone is smiling. Spouses don’t fight. Babies don’t cry. Older kids don’t get jealous.

Sometimes it’s not.

Sometimes, the baby cries nonstop for no reason. Sometimes, the spouses are at their wit’s end with exhaustion and take it out on each other. Sometimes, smiling takes too much of the ounce of energy you have left that day, and it’s not worth it to waste it. Sometimes, the older children turn into little jerks thanks to jealousy stemming from no longer being the center of attention.

Sometimes it sucks.

Please don’t get me wrong. I love both of my boys more than anything. I thank God everyday that I get to be their Mommy. I would not change a single thing.

When Aiden was about 4-5 months old, he didn’t sleep. He started having awful reflux issues that caused him to violently puke 90% of what he ate at each feeding. I was basically caring for him on my own, exhausted, frustrated, and to top it all off, I was in a horrible relationship with an apathetic partner. I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough. That Aiden wouldn’t love me. That I wasn’t cut out to be a Mommy.

I started eating my feelings and I cried myself to sleep more often than not. I remember thinking, ‘how could something so little, that I love so much, make me so miserable.’

It wasn’t until just before Aiden turned six months old that I realized that I needed to talk to someone. Things were super rough. My ex and I fought endlessly and I felt isolated and overwhelmed 100% of the time.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Fast forward four years. I’m older and more prepared/less overwhelmed over the needs of an infant. Asher is here and about two months old. Aiden’s almost five and ready to start school. Hubs is working in a different city during the week. Our marriage is great, but we rarely have time together. He’s not home, not because he doesn’t want to be here, but because he’s working his bum off to provide for our family. Totally different dynamic.

But I started feeling those first signs of PPD again almost as soon as the last visiting relative walked out the front door. Crying over nothing. Overwhelmed. Insecure. Started eating my feelings. [I swear I’m the only person in the world who gains more weight AFTER having a baby than she does while pregnant.] Getting frustrated when Drew would come home and mess with our routine on the weekends. Getting even more frustrated when he would leave for work again when the weekend ended.

I began feeling inadequate. Like I wasn’t good enough to be these boys’ mommy. Like I wasn’t good enough to be a decent wife to Drew. Overwhelmed by the neverending dishes and laundry and feedings and laundry and cleaning and did I mention laundry? I tried to hide it from Drew for weeks, thinking that he already had enough on his plate and shouldn’t be worried about me.

A couple of weeks ago, he came home to find me completely disheveled, unshowered and still in my PJs with my hair and face a hot mess, crying, and holding Asher as he nursed. Asher had a long day with no sleep the night before, and Aiden is in this phase right now where he wants to challenge everything I say to him. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m overwhelmed. I looked up and word vomited, “I have PPD again.” at him. He said, ” I know, let’s get you taken care of.”

Turns out, he already suspected I was struggling. I assume he didn’t know how to approach me about it, in case he was wrong and I was actually just crazy. We talked about making sure I had some time to myself more often, and working through it together.

So now, my boys are at home having some QT with Daddy while I sit in this Starbucks and reach out to any other moms who might be struggling with the same.

To the mom who feels overwhelmed, it gets easier.

To the mom who feels inadequate, you are enough.

To the mom who hasn’t showered in 3 or more days, your kids don’t care if you stink.

To the mom who swears she’s failing her kids, I’m willing to bet their world revolves around you.

To the mom who thinks she can’t keep up, the housework will wait. babies don’t keep.

To the mom who doesn’t want to admit she’s struggling, asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re strong enough to know when you can’t do it alone.

To the mom who believes she can’t handle being a mom AND a wife, let your Husband love you.

To the mom who feels isolated, you are not alone.

To the mom who knows she sucks at being a mom, don’t let your brain tell you a lie that your heart knows isn’t true.

Things I Forgot About Pregnancy

2As my pregnancy is coming to an end, I’m reminded daily of details that I clearly blocked from my memory. Maybe for good reason. Pregnancy is a beautiful, messy experience.

  1. You may not LOOK pregnant right away, but you will FEEL like you look pregnant right away. I was so bloated that I was convinced EVERYONE knew I was knocked up weeks before we made it public.

    bloat
    from pinterest.com
  2. Morning sickness doesn’t happen in the morning. All day errrrrrryday. 
  3. The exhaustion is overwhelming. Especially if you already have one child or more. 

    from pinterest.com
    from pinterest.com
  4. Finding out the gender of your womb-dweller is ridiculously exciting. Enough said.
  5. People will think they have a right to touch your belly. Even if they’ve never seen you before that moment, ever. It’s okay to smack them. 
  6. You can be the tiniest pregnant woman ever, and you’ll still be asked if it’s twins. I like to respond with, “…I’m not pregnant.” The shock is so worth it.

    from pinterest.com
    from pinterest.com
  7. A cold in the late second trimester or early third trimester is horrible. Cough, sneeze, contraction, pee, repeat.  
  8. Everyone will have an opinion about how that baby is DEFINITELY COMING EARLY. He more than likely won’t. 
  9. A breech baby after thirty weeks is painful. Feet. In. Your. Cervix. And sometimes crazy yoga poses will flip them.

    from pinterest.com
    from pinterest.com
  10. Around 37 weeks, people you see daily will start asking you “isn’t it about time?” EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s about 22 hours closer to that time than the last time you asked me.
  11. You will get up to pee more times a night than you would get up to feed a newborn. But at least you’ll be prepared to be exhausted.
  12. You will get to a point where the pain of labor no longer intimidates you (that much) because you just want him out. I may or may not be at this point. 

    from pinterest.com
    from pinterest.com
  13. Numbers one through twelve will be 100% worth it once that bundle of squishiness is snuggled up to your chest. And I can’t wait.

    Coming Soon: Things I Forgot About Postpartum (Assuming it ever gets here.)  

 

Follow me instagram and check out the hashtag #ACDCBumpWatch to be the first to know if/when our kiddo ever arrives.

Being Just Aiden’s Mommy

momIn a few days, my time being a mommy of one will end. Asher will be making his debut, and Aiden will go from being an only child to one of two.

The other night, I came across videos of two-year-old Aiden on the iPad. Naturally, (read: stupidly) I watched them. Then it suddenly hit me that my BABY wouldn’t be THE baby much longer, and then I cried for an hour while eating my pineapple.

For over four and a half years, it’s been all about Aiden. I have spoiled him, praised him, and loved him in every way possible. When it was just Aiden and me, he was the center of my universe. He still is, but now shares that space with my Husband.

Now I have this third beautiful baby boy joining our little family, and I can’t wait, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t also terrified. How in the heck am I going to love another little boy as much as I love Aiden?

Everyone keeps saying, “your heart just makes room,” or “you have nothing to worry about.”

I can’t help but still worry.

I’m scared that Aiden will think he’s being replaced, or that Mommy doesn’t have time for him anymore. I’m scared that he will resent his brother for getting the attention when it’s been all about him for so long. I remember my “baby blues” turned full blown PPD with Aiden, and I’m terrified it’ll happen again.

But my biggest fear is balancing my time, energy, and love between both of my children. I’ve had a newborn before, and I remember how stressful and exhausting it was. Trying to wrap my head around doing that again with an almost five-year-old in tow seems next to impossible. Until recently, and only because of my lack of comfort, I haven’t really gotten annoyed with being pregnant. Realistically, I know he will eventually be coming out. But honestly, the anxiety about having two children is greater than actually giving birth.

Thank God I have an amazing Husband in my corner this time.

Things we’ve done to try and prepare Aiden for brotherhood:

  • Let him have an active role in getting baby things ready. (I let him go through all of his old baby clothes with me, let him go through the baby toys, let him pick out nursery details, etc.)
  • Talked to him about how he will be such a great helper for Mommy once Dad goes back to work. (He even says he will change peepee dipes, just not the others.)
  • Kept his schedule as consistent as possible, despite snow days trying to ruin it.
  • Taken him on numerous Mommy-Aiden dates and “Mantime” with Dad over the last few weeks, but made sure to talk up how soon we can bring brother on our dates too.

And a f.ew other little details. Hopefully they work.

 

I have loved being just Aiden’s mommy for the last five years. In my heart, I know that once Asher is in my arms instead of in my ribs, I will be so overwhelmed with love and I’ll have what I didn’t even know what was missing in the first place. I can’t wait for that moment

[Still] Really Pregnant.

cb 8Technically, my due date is still twelve days away (but who’s counting). But, I have had contractions on and off for a few weeks now. He finally flipped head down, AND has dropped quite a bit. The nursery is 99% ready, co-sleeper is put together, clothes/diapers/etc are all organized and ready to go.

Just need a baby.

How far along? Thirty-eight weeks and some change

Are you showing? Absolutely.

Gender: Baby BOY #2! 🙂

Total weight gain: Just over 20 pounds. 

Maternity clothes: Leggings. All day erryday. Nine months pregnant in the summer was easy because summer dresses. However, winter means if I don’t feel like doing the yoga-pilates-hybrid that shaving my legs requires, it’s perfectly okay.

Stretch marks: A few little ones up near my ribs from my belly dropping.

Sleeping: Rough. I’m always exhausted but never sleep well. He’s soooo low. And I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain and “false” contractions the last few weeks.

Food Cravings: Sushi.

Anything making you sick or queasy? Everything, if I get too full. 

Miss Anything? Sleep and wine. And sushi. And wine.

Movement: Um, yes. He tries to stretch out as though he has enough room to do so. He doesn’t.

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks. Pelvic pressure. Etc. But, for weeks. So, I’ll believe it when it happens. 

Symptoms: Uncomfortable and tired. But overall, I feel okay!

Belly Button in or out: OUT. 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody: All of the above.

Best moments this week: Asher wiggling like crazy when Aiden talks to my belly. Melts a momma’s heart!

Looking forward to: My last days with my Bubba before he’s no longer the baby!

Thirty-Four Weeks

34I only have six more weeks (ish) left in this pregnancy. I feel like we shared the news with the world YESTERDAY. It’s so crazy how fast it has flown by.

At this point, I feel pretty good overall. I’m exhausted, no matter how much rest I get and often find myself dozing on the couch during Aiden’s quiet time.

Asher is currently breech, but has gone sideways (transverse) a few times. I’m doing a lot of spinning babies exercises and downward dog to try and coerce him into flipping, or my midwife is going to try to flip him manually (yay…) around 36-37 weeks.

Please pray he flips.

Last weekend, a great friend threw me a baby shower! So I’m feeling a little more prepared than I did a week ago. My parents gave us Asher’s crib, and my mother-in-law sent us his car seat! We pretty much have all of our basics prepared for his arrival now. Well, maybe not “prepared.” But they are here! Hubs and I are planning to get some things ready for him this weekend.

I’m having a lot of anxiety about my upcoming VBAC. I find myself getting really overwhelmed at the unknown and seriously contemplating scheduling a c-section. Then I remind myself how much my first c-section SUCKED, and continue gunning for that VBAC. Luckily, I have a supportive Husband, doula, and midwives in my corner.

I’m always hungry these days, but after two bites I usually either feel full or nauseous, or both. Asher’s head is chilling right up in my ribcage, so I’m sure that’s taking up most of the space in there right now.

My next appointment is next week at 35 weeks and some change, and then I start going weekly until Ash is born! Preferably, right on time, on his due date, in a short and easy labor.

Realistically, it’ll be April.

How far along? Thirty-four weeks

Are you showing? Absolutely.

Gender: Baby BOY #2! 🙂

Total weight gain: About 15-17 llbs

Maternity clothes: Leggings. All day erryday. I wore jeans yesterday and spilled coffee on them. Took that as a sign that I shouldn’t be wearing them.

Stretch marks: ONE NEW ONE. Gah. Right on my ribs. Hoping it’s a coincidence that it’s located where his head usually is. 

Sleeping: Rough. I’m always tired but never sleep well. He’s soooo low. And I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain and braxtons hicks the last few weeks.

Food Cravings: Today, I want Panera something fierce. Trying to wait until the weekend and convince Hubby we should go there!

Anything making you sick or queasy? Everything, if I get too full. 

Miss Anything? Sleep and wine. And sushi. And wine.

Movement: Um, yes. He tries to stretch out as though he has enough room to do so. He doesn’t.

Labor signs: Braxton Hicks. Usually only if I sneeze, or cough, or have to pee, or he moves suddenly. Basically all the time. 

Symptoms: Uncomfortable and tired. But overall, I feel okay!

Belly Button in or out: OUT. 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody: All of the above.

Best moments this week: Asher wiggling like crazy when Aiden talks to my belly. Melts a momma’s heart!

Looking forward to: My last few weeks of QT with my Bubba before he’s no longer the baby!

Stay tuned for something new coming next week, by popular request! If you follow me on Facebook, you know that my kid says some of the most ridiculous, hilarious, and wise (beyond his years) things. I’ve started writing them down to share with you. In the meantime, read his birth story by clicking here to find out Why I Won’t Just Schedule a C-Section.

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Why I Won’t Just Schedule a C-Section.

absI’m a few days late posting my own story. I have never once in almost five years sat down and allowed myself to relive it fully. I don’t even think I’ve ever told my Husband the story in it’s entirety. This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever put into words, so please be patient with me.

I don’t talk very openly about my birth experience with Aiden. It was traumatizing, to say the least. I don’t clearly remember every detail, and the ones that I do remember, I usually try to forget.

I was nineteen years old. I didn’t have the supportive partner backing me that I do now. My whole “plan” for Aiden’s birth was shot to hell when they told me I “had” to be induced at 40 weeks because of my gestational diabetes. I didn’t know that I had the right to say no. That I had the right to wait and let my body do what God made it to do. Realistically, I still may not get that chance. With the support of an amazing husband, doula, and midwives, I get to try, but it could be unsuccessful BECAUSE of the choice that I didn’t know that I could make back then.

I was admitted to the hospital at 40w2d. Cervidil was inserted. It did nothing. I was given sleeping meds and told to “rest” overnight and they would start pitocin in the morning if I hadn’t progressed. Which I hadn’t.

Have you had Pit-contractions? They suck. I labored the entire day with little-to-no progress. I was given stadol at some point, and that’s when things start to get fuzzy. I continued laboring with the pitocin and still made little progress. A nurse came in and “stretched me.”

If you’re going to allow a nurse or doctor to “stretch you,” please, for the love of all things holy, WAIT until you’ve had the epidural.

It was the MOST painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. And it only gained me a centimeter. They broke my water and I asked for the epidural. I vaguely remember the anesthesiologist was running behind, so they gave me a second dose of the stadol that I didn’t want in the first place. Minutes later, the anesthesiologist arrived to place the epidural, and I was essentially drunk. I kept falling asleep on the nurse as she desperately tried to hold my giant ten-month-pregnant body steady while he tried to place to epidural.

After this point, I have very little memory of laboring. The next semi-vivid thing I remember is being told I was ready to push hours(?) later.

It seriously could actually have been minutes, and I would have no idea that I was lying to you. I just assume hours because I remember the sun being out when I got my epidural (no idea why I remember that detail) and Aiden was born after three in the morning.

I vaguely remember pushing for what seemed like an eternity. The OR report says it was an hour. (The same OR report also says that Aiden was my third c-section, he was born at 38 weeks, and that he is actually a she…wish I was joking.) I remember having my Mom and Dad at either shoulder/knee and a very enthusiastic nurse humming and singing between my legs while Aiden’s bio-dad hovered somewhere behind her. I remember my OB finally coming in at some point and telling me Aiden wasn’t descending, my blood sugar was spiking, and he was showing signs of distress.

I remember an idiot nurse coming in and asking me if I wanted the insulin shot in my arm or my leg, looking at her like she was insane, and asking her if she knew which of those options was currently numb.

Everything that happened next is still a blur. I’ve remembered bits and pieces throughout this pregnancy, almost as if I’ve allowed myself to remember. Someone asked me if I had a living will, someone gave me some nasty drink, I cried and cried because they wouldn’t allow my mom to come into the OR with me because Aiden’s bio-dad was and I just wanted her by my side.

They wheeled me to the OR and still things are blurry. I was strapped down to the gurney and couldn’t move. I could hear surgical tools clanging, and there were a dozen people zooming around my head. I felt someone pushing and poking at my belly asking me if I could feel anything. They ended up having to increase the epidural a ton because I could feel pretty much everything on my right side.

I just laid there staring at the surgical lights wondering what the heck was happening because no one would tell me anything. Aiden’s bio-dad eventually appeared near my head. I was terrified. I just silently cried and tried desperately to stay awake.

I could feel pushing and pulling on my stomach, and after what seemed like an eternity, at 3:32am, I finally heard those first glorious cries escape Aiden’s lungs. They held him over the curtain briefly, and he was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, even in all his purple, gory, glory. He was 9 lbs 4 oz, 22.5 inches long, and had a head the size of a cantaloupe.aid1They whisked him away to clean him off and do his APGAR score and a few minutes later he was swaddled and next to my face. I kissed him and desperately wanted to hold him, but was still strapped to the gurney and couldn’t touch him.

aid2His bio-dad eventually left and went with him to the nursery, leaving me alone in the OR while they closed my belly. I cried and cried, feeling completely robbed of an experience that I waited my entire life for. I didn’t get to have skin-to-skin, or cut his cord, or breastfeed. I didn’t get to have that instant bond with my baby that I so coveted.

Soon after, they took me to recovery, which was dark and empty at 4 am. They told me to “rest.” I was beginning to go from depressed to angry. I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to see my family. I wanted to get the hell out of that room.

After an eternity, some kid (orderly) came to roll me to my room for the rest of the hospital stay. I not-so-nicely informed him of how angry I was that I had yet to hold Aiden. Something along the lines of “my baby is going to be freaking walking by the time you people give him back to me.”  I was fuming. He clearly missed the “this patient just had her gut sliced open” memo, because he rolled right over bumps and ramps while I laid there feeling like my gut was being sliced open again.

They took me into my room, and one-by-one family members left. I honestly could not tell you (even after consulting multiple people who were there that night) who I did or didn’t see before they left.

I know that I had yet to hold my baby.

Everyone was gone, including Aiden’s bio-dad. Aiden was in the bassinet a few feet away from my bed. It was just me and him. I stared at the the fidgeting little bundle wondering how exactly I was going to reach him.

A nurse came in and tried to hand him to me. I just stared at him. Then I took this picture:aid3I would be willing to bet the nurse thought I was nuts. My child was hours old already, I had yet to hold him, and instead I took a picture. 

Right after this, she put him into my arms and he looked right up into my eyes. The love that I felt in that moment was exactly what I had always dreamed of. Unconditional, unwavering love.aid4

My birth wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what I planned. I have nightmares constantly about that night, and occasionally have a “memory” pop up that I genuinely question the validity of.

Since becoming pregnant with Asher, everyone assumes that I’m just going to schedule another c-section. I’m not. It took me 24 weeks to find a hospital and doctors midwives that I trust enough to deliver my child. I’ve been tested and jumped through hoops like you couldn’t imagine to get the chance to have this VBAC. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard, “why don’t you just schedule a c-section?” or “wouldn’t it be easier to schedule a c-section?”

I encourage you, if someone you know had an emergency cesarean, don’t ask her these questions. Her story could very likely be similar to mine.

 

Hello, Third Trimester!

28weeksMy midwife says I’ve been in the third trimester for a week now. All of my pregnancy apps say it starts today. Either way, I’m now in the THIRD TRIMESTER!

Where the heck has this pregnancy gone? Gah.

Asher is constantly on my sciatic nerve, which is not fun. Other than that, and feeling enormous, I still feel pretty good! Energy is okay even though I don’t sleep very well.

Our first cloth diapers arrived this week too! Super exciting!

We are now moved into our new place, prepping for Christmas, and Asher’s arrival. Things are finally a little less crazy around here. Hence the blog posts resuming!

How far along? Twenty-eight weeks today! Third trimester is here!

Are you showing? Absolutely.

Gender: Baby BOY #2! 🙂

Total weight gain: About ten pounds! 

Maternity clothes: Oh yes. I live in my maternity leggings. Invest in some, you wont regret it.

Stretch marks: Just the pre-existing ones. Thanks, Aiden.

Sleeping: Rough. I’m always tired but never sleep well. He’s soooo low. And I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain and sciatic pain the last few weeks. Ouch.

Food Cravings: I’m just hungry. But nothing ever sounds good.

Anything making you sick or queasy? Meat. Asher is clearly a vegetarian. 

Miss Anything? Sleep and wine. And sushi. And wine.

Movement: Strong kicks now! Loving watching my belly move!

Labor signs: Just Braxton Hicks fairly often.

Symptoms: Uncomfortable and tired. But overall, feel pretty good! 

Belly Button in or out: OUT. 

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Happy or moody: All of the above.

Best moments this week: Asher wiggling like crazy when Aiden talks to my belly. Melts a momma’s heart!

Looking forward to: Nesting!

Twenty-Four Weeks Pregnant

24

How far along? Twenty-four weeks and a few days.

Are you showing? Absolutely.

Gender: Baby BOY #2! 🙂

Total weight gain: 7 lbs 

Maternity clothes: Oh yes. I live in my maternity leggings. Invest in some, you wont regret it.

Stretch marks: Just the pre-existing ones. Thanks, Aiden.

Sleeping: Rough. I’m always tired but never sleep well. He’s soooo low. And I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain and sciatic pain the last few weeks. Ouch.

Food Cravings: I’m just hungry. But nothing ever sounds good.

Anything making you sick or queasy? Meat. Asher is clearly a vegetarian. 

Miss Anything? Sleep and wine. And sushi. And wine.

Movement: Strong kicks now! Loving watching my belly move!

Labor signs: Nope! But a ton of pressure sometimes and Braxton Hicks have arrived at the party.

Symptoms: Irritable and tired. Overall uncomfortable because nothing seems to fit right! Asher loves to sit on my sciatic nerve now. FYI. IT HURTS. 

Belly Button in or out: OUT. 

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody: All of the above.

Best moments this week: Watching my belly move! Seeing Asher on the ultrasound!

Looking forward to: MOVING! And finally being able to feel even the slightest bit prepared for this baby. Can’t wait.

We finally met with our new doctor last week. Everything seems to be lining up perfectly for my VBAC. Asher is head down now too, thank the Lord. Breech babies are uncomfortable at any stage! He’s still really low though, so I still have a lot of pressure. To the point where it feels like he’s going to just fall out sometimes. (I wish it were that easy!)

Here’s a bump shot for you:

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22 Weeks (& 21 too!)

I totally didn’t even do a bumpdate last week. That tells you how busy of a week it was. So here’s some updates and a bump picture! 🙂

22

How far along? Twenty-two weeks! And in shock that there are four weeks left in the second trimester. WHAT?!

Are you showing? Absolutely.

Gender: Baby BOY #2! 🙂

Total weight gain: 5-6 pounds. But I also just drank two cups of coffee. Ask me again after I pee in 10 minutes.

Maternity clothes: Oh yes. I live in my maternity leggings. Invest in some, you wont regret it.

Stretch marks: Just the pre-existing ones. Thanks, Aiden.

Sleeping: Rough. He’s soooo low. And I’ve had a lot of pelvic pain and sciatic pain the last few weeks. Ouch.

Food Cravings: I’m just hungry. But nothing ever sounds good.

Anything making you sick or queasy? Meat. Asher is clearly a vegetarian. 

Miss Anything? Sleep and wine. And sushi. And wine.

Movement: Strong kicks now! Loving watching my belly move!

Labor signs: Nope! But a ton of pressure sometimes and Braxton Hicks have arrived at the party.

Symptoms: Irritable and tired. Overall uncomfortable because nothing seems to fit right! Asher loves to sit on my sciatic nerve now. FYI. IT HURTS. 

Belly Button in or out: Top half is out. -sigh-

Wedding rings on or off: On

Happy or moody: All of the above.

Best moments this week: Watching my belly move!

Looking forward to: Enjoying the second half of this pregnancy! It’s flying by so quickly! Also, I FINALLY have an appointment with a new OB who isn’t fighting my wishes to VBAC. So excited!

preg

A Mom’s Thoughts While Grocery Shopping

Yesterday, I took my four-year-old and a one-year-old to the grocery store. I normally save these trips for weekends or evenings when my Husband is home and I can go kid-free. This time, pregnancy cravings forced me to go on a mad hunt for a cocktail shrimp ring and cinnamon toast crunch midday. This despite a max of four hours of sleep the night before due to pelvic pressure and round ligament pain from the apparent dinosaur baby residing in my uterus. This is my story:

Grocery cart

Not a single parking place, this is a great sign. How badly do I want that cereal? Badly enough. OOH THERE’S ONE. BEAT THE OTHER GUY. #WINNING.

MOMMYYYYY WE HAVE TO GO INSIDE AND FIND A BIG BUGGY! 

That’s cool, I’ll just turbo waddle through the parking lot, heavy baby on my hip, maternity pants sliding down awkwardly, and holding the four-year-old’s hand all while simultaneously praying that he doesn’t let go and that this store is out of the Cadillac-esque buggies. YES! THEY ARE OUT! THERE IS A GOD!

Looks like they are out of the big buggies, Bubba. (cue whine commencement.) Oh darn, now how am I going to make my three-display-destruction-per-trip quota.

MOMMY LOOK!

Oh, THANK YOU SO MUCH (other Mom exiting store) for giving us yours. I sincerely hope your kids force you to listen to a Yo Gabba Gabba soundtrack the whole way home.

Okay, get in, get what I came for, get out….OMG CHRISTMAS STUFF IS UP….NO. Focus.

Mommyyyyyyy, can we go look at the Christmas stuff?? Absolutely, after I get a few other things! Well, at least I can blame him now.

Oooh, there are the shrimp rings. Yes! I wonder how many people are judging me? Let me just poke out my belly a little extra, then they will understand. Well, at least the women.

Okay…cereal aisle…cinnamon toast crunch, get in mah belly. No, Bubba we don’t need Lucky Charms…Yes, Mommy is getting cereal…we don’t need more than one kind today…Because, the baby wants it…Fine, just put them in the buggy. Why does he always have such valid points? He’s four.

Ooh, we need milk, and cheese sticks, and yogurt, and why did I come here hungry? Where’s the wine aisle? Oh yeah, pregnant. Grape juice it is.

Let’s just go look at the Christmas things now. Oooh the crafty things! Don’t even go there, Taylor. You’ll never get out of here. Okay, how do I get there without passing the toy aisle…

TOYSSSSSS MOMMY WE HAVE TO LOOK SO I CAN WRITE MY LETTER TO SANTA TODAY. 

Crap.

I want that one. Okay. And that one. Okay. And this one too. We’ll see. I’ll just ask Santa. You go right ahead.

I just want to get to the Christmas section already. 

Okay, Mommy. Let’s just go look at Christmas stuff now! Did he just hear me think that?

Push that button, Mommy! (cue obnoxiously loud version of a moose singing Jingle Bells.) People are starting to stare. One-year-old is starting to fidget. Even she’s embarrassed at how loud that dang moose is.

Push that button too, Mommy! Pleaseeee!! Last one, Bubba. (cue obnoxiously loud snowman version of Winter Wonderland.) Seriously? Now I remember why I don’t buy these things. 

Okay, Bubba. Let’s go. BUT WHY? Because the baby is crushing Mommy’s pelvis when she walks. WHAT’S A PELVIS? Mommy’s buttbone. He’s crushing Mommy’s buttbone. I’ll regret that one later. 

Okay, find a check out line. We’re almost out. Can I have skittles? No, you don’t need skittles. Can I have tic-tacs? No, you don’t need tic-tacs. Remind me to thank Nini again for getting him hooked on those. Why are you so mean, Mommy? I know, mean, mean Mommy trying to keep your teeth from rotting out. What was I thinking? Crap, now who is he talking to now? Why doesn’t he understand stranger-danger?

…and my name is Batman and I’m four years old. My mommy has a baby in her tummy and he’s a boy and his name will be ‘Ass-er Charies.’ He will come out of Mommy’s bellybutton but right now he’s crushing her buttbone. She told me so. That’s why we’re leaving. Oh, and because I probably have to go poop soon because my farts smell like tacos.

Oh. My. God.

Okay, Bubba. Now that you’ve told the man way more than he ever needs to know, let’s go.

Okay! You can call my Mommy and talk about it some more! Her number is 9…OKAY, AIDEN. LET’S GO.

BUT MOMMY HOW IS MY NEW FRIEND GOING TO CALL ME…..(cue Mommy waving goodbye at the poor, unsuspecting man who just wanted to buy his trashbags and beer in peace and running out the door.)

I am never coming here again. Ever. Husband is doing all the grocery shopping from now on. I’m done. All I have to do is get these kiddos buckled in and it’s home for naptime. 

No, we’re not going to McDonald’s. No, we’re not going to Chick-fil-a. No, we’re not going to Subway.

WELL WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT?

Lucky Charms. PB&J when we get home.

THAT DOES NOT SOUND YUMMY! Everyone comfy and ready? 

Aaaaaand, I forgot the milk.

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