This Little Line of Mine: What my Cesarean Taught Me.

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I have this little line that runs across my belly. It looks a little bit like a hockey stick, and kind of like a smile.

I resented this line for a long time. To me, it was a symbol of failure. A symbol that my body wasn’t strong enough or capable of doing what it was made to do.

It was a constant and painful reminder of one of the most vulnerable, terrifying moments in my life.

But I was wrong.

This little line saved Aiden’s life.

I had gestational diabetes, and after the first twenty-four hours of labor, my blood sugar began to spike and Aiden’s heart rate began to drop.

Cutting me open saved his life.

I had read all of the blogs and articles debating c-sections. I read opinions about how they are the WORST thing that could happen, and I read how they could be the best. I read stories from women who were traumatized and scared to ever even consider another pregnancy, and I read stories from women who were practically scheduling their next one when they were just two weeks postpartum.

I had read enough to know that I didn’t want one.

I had been pushing for what seemed like days. My OB came in to check how things were progressing and told me that Aiden’s head basically wasn’t descending the way it should be.

She said I could keep pushing, or they could go ahead and perform the emergency c-section.

27 hours into labor, and I was exhausted. I felt defeated, frustrated and I wanted nothing more than to hold my sweet boy in my arms.

I consented to the surgery and thirty minutes later, I was strapped to a gurney, scared to death something would go wrong, and anxiously awaiting that sound that every Mom wants to hear.

I could feel my OB pushing around on/in my stomach. I heard her say, “not long now!” And after an eternity of pressure, pulling, and prodding I heard those first few glorious screams from Aiden.

My OB held him over the curtain and he was the most beautiful, bloody, purple, squishy looking baby I had ever seen.

The nurses wrapped him up and brought him over to my head. My arms were still strapped, but I kissed him like crazy, tears streaming down my face.

His bio-dad was able to hold him and left me alone to take him to our families and the nursery.

As she stitched me up, I became overwhelmed with emotion. I cried and cried, and just wanted to hold my baby. I felt like a complete failure because I didn’t get to hold him instantly, I didn’t get to try and nurse him right away, and I didn’t get that instant bond that I so desperately wanted throughout those nine ten months.

I remember lying in the recovery room bed, exhausted, angry, and anxious to hold Aiden. “Get some rest,” they said. Yeah. Okay. I just have a giant hole in my stomach and haven’t seen my child since he was born, but sure. I’ll just take a quick little cat-nap.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, they rolled me to the room I would stay in for the rest of the week.

The nurse brought Aiden to me and I was overwhelmed with love for this tiny little human. I held him to my chest, he relaxed against my skin, and let out this little sigh. That bond I so desperately coveted was instant. All of the anger was gone. All of the frustration was gone. And all of my feelings of being a failure disappeared. I was a Mommy.

This little line IS a symbol, not of my failure, but of my courage.

This little line is a reminder of the sacrifice that I made and the bravery that I had that night.

This little line is there to help me remember all of the emotions that I felt as I looked into my sweet boy’s eyes for the first time.

This little line is there because I created an entire human being within my body.

This little line is there to remind me of the unconditional love I have for that little human being, who is now a brilliant, independent, and beautiful little boy.

This little line is so much more than just a scar.

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4 thoughts on “This Little Line of Mine: What my Cesarean Taught Me.

  1. I felt the same. This is amazing to read that another human being cycled the drain of emotions I felt. I felt defeated and like I had failed a s a woman. I would never get to use that “I pushed you out..” speech for leverage when we argued during teen years. I’d never know the feeling to share with my daughter how to cope with it when it was her turn. I felt incomplete. I started out on a mission and was physically incapable of completing it. Everytime I undressed or didm something that required use of muscles I no longer could use, it was a daily reminder of how inadequate I was. But certainly overtime I began to see my C-section as a symbol of my strength. My willingness as a mother to place my daughters health and well-being before mine. It was the first decision I made as a parent to sacrifice my own personal desires for her. The line is a reminder that I gave someone a part of me I can never get back. Its a scar that represents something beautiful rather than painful. WE are warriors. So embrace it. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. I’m a bit behind on my blog reading, but I’m so glad I found time to read this gem. I couldn’t help jiggling my squishy belly just a bit as I dashed the tears out of my eyes. My babies are older than you are now, dear, and I still recall the powerful feel of all those “birth-day” emotions so easily! I did not have to face cesareans, but I think all moms see their bodies and their hearts unavoidably and indelibly altered by the transformation. Well-written! Thank you for sharing!

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  3. This is a great post that covers alot of the feelings all mothers with C-sections have….but you’re forgetting the best part! It gives you the best excuse in the world when a little extra weight shows up….”Oh, well, I had a C-section and it never really got back to where it was after that, but I don’t mind….it was worth it for Aiden!”

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